It’s been seven months and I’m getting later and later posting these monthly updates as you can see. Maybe because I find it harder and harder to put into words all the subtle changes.
1. The weight loss is slowing down. This is normal. This is expected. But it is terrifying to me. Many people have asked me, “How will your body know when to stop losing. “ I have always answered very confidently, “It just will.” I know you can’t keep losing weight at that pace forever, but the reality of it remains, if I can stop losing weight, then I can gain weight. That terrifies me more than I can say. I am eating so little now and the weight loss has slowed down, what if I continue to eat small amounts and it starts to go back up. What will I do then? This is my heart talking of course. My brain reminds me of the physiology I know, that I must slow down and eventually reach equilibrium. That calories consumed and expended do have an affect on my weight and it is not some magic spell or luck that makes me gain or lose. However, when I step on those scales, it’s the heart that yells louder than the brain. She is so emotional!
2. Buying a bathing suit is a losing battle no matter how much you weigh. Enough said.
3. I mourn the loss of my breasts. The last six pounds have come directly from my breasts. I was an A in college. I grew to a C when I gained weight. I was a D when I got pregnant the first time and I’ve been a D for the past 14 years. I couldn’t tell you what I am now because the way I read it, you measure a cup size by the difference between band measurement and your breast measurement at its fullest and well, since mine are hanging a good four inches south of the band measurement, it’s difficult to say. I really don’t care though, because as long as they make a Victoria Secret push-up bra, then I will be sporting a size “whatever-I-can-get-away-with” without looking freakish. I hope my friends come to my rescue on that one. Don’t be afraid, Holly, to say, “Becki, those boobs are a bit freakish, perhaps you should downsize them a bit.” I will be eternally grateful.
4. People “see” you more when you weigh less. I spent the last weekend in Atlanta (without children.) Now, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there is a difference between being “seen” with children and without. When you’ve got a cute little toddler in tow, you could be Attila the Hun and people will give you a cursory smile. Without children, you are judged differently. I noticed that when I weighed over 200lbs, people did not see me. They may run into me, and that was easy to do because my butt was taking up half the aisle, but they wouldn’t “look” at me. I’ve even had conversations with people who never looked me in the eye. Fat is a huge insulator in more ways than one. However, now, I’m having to get used to people “seeing” me. They see me in stores, in restaurants, on the sidewalk. It is a bit unnerving for me because it’s been so long, I really don’t know how to read the attention. Near the end of my weekend in Atlanta we walked into a Starbuck’s. Nearly everyone in the establishment looked at me, a few intently. I felt as if I were being put on the possible terrorist list.
“Do I look like a terrorist?” I asked Anna.
“What?” she said.
“Everyone is staring,” I said.
“Probably because of your breasts,” she replied.
“VERY FUNNY!” I screamed!
P.S. If you read this, and I know who you are, certainly you can do a kind deed and leave a comment. PLEASE! (I’m begging now.)
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