Nummies 911

12 Months = 103 lbs

It's been a year! A whole year! The sentimental side of me did not get to ruminate as much as I would have liked because of the move. I kept trying to think about the photo I wanted to post for this "one year" event. Nothing seemed right and days kept flying past as I moved and unpacked one heavy box after another and as I moved and removed each piece of furniture, trying to find its perfect spot in a new home. Then it occurred to me, one evening as my back ached from all the strenuous work. The photo I most wanted to post was not a "glamor shot." Haven't I made it clear that I did not lose all this weight to look good? No, I wanted a shot of me unpacking boxes, digging up shrubs, lifting furniture that I could not have dreamed of moving a year ago. I wanted to show you how I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed a hardwood floor and how I put together a kitchen island and two Expedit Bookcases from IKEA.  I wanted to let you know I was able to bend over long enough without losing my breath to install a dishwasher. I have made at least fifty trips up to the attic with boxes. I have raked leaves, swept walkways. Dug holes to transplant those shrubs along with new ones. And at night, my back hurts. I won't pretend it doesn't. But I can take Motrin, and I am able to get up the next morning and press on. Last year, I would not have been able to do ANY of these things! So, for my one year celebration, I am doing exactly the things that I want to do. I am living my life, day by day, working hard and seeing the fruits of my labor. That alone, to be off the couch and into life is reason enough for what I did.

 

Unpacking the kitchen. Lots of Halloween stuff lying around because one of the movers complained that I had too many seasonal boxes and that I would never have time to put the Halloween stuff out this year. I unpacked 90% of the Halloween decorations before he left. Just to prove a point.

Putting together one of the Expedit bookcases. Camille thought it was a great hiding place.

Thanks to everyone for all the support you've given me over the past year. It means more to me than you could know.

Eleven Months = 99lbs

Cullen took this picture for me, after Brandy's wedding. I have little make-up on because I cried several times during the wedding and reception. Brandy was such a beautiful bride, and when Holly sang her solo, it touched me so deeply I cried during the whole song. Then at the reception, Brandy's mother thanked me several times for the cookies, a small contribution to the celebration, and she was so sweet to remember to say hello to Anna, who couldn't make it. That meant so much to me.

Ok, it's been eleven months. About the only things I have trouble digesting are red meat, corn tortillas, and just about any fast food. That should tell you something about fast food! The red meat thing is particular to me, I think, because even in my fat days, I couldn't digest red meat very well. Although I could put away some fast food!

I still cannot drink soda, but I can tolerate a sip of a fountain drink every once in a while. Just for the sheer enjoyment of the bubbles. It's just not the same though, and I have to say I still miss that. I was drinking a lot of cranberry-pomegranate juice, until I had a kidney stone a few weeks ago and my doctor told me to lay off that because it has a lot of oxalates in it. Now I'm drinking Glaceau Vitamin Water, in XXX (acai-blueberry-pomegranate) flavor. He said I should just stick to water, which I do drink, but I need a little flavor during the day.

I'm walking and doing a little running, still. I need to up that a bit for my endurance. I'm also doing some yoga, which Camille calls "yogo," and for some poses she is better than I am. 

For those who asked in the beginning, "How does your body know when to stop?" My thoughts are this; over time you are able to eat more and more and over time your body requires less and less. Soon, you reach an equilibrium where what you take in is enough to maintain the weight you are. I think I've pretty much obtained that state, and I'm happy with that. It still takes a lot of will power not to overeat, as I could eat little bits of cookies or cake all day long and quickly put back on the weight. And for someone like me, who uses food as a coping mechanism for stress, that is a hard habit to break, even eleven months later. But at least now, I'm more aware of it and it's easier not to turn to the cookie jar when I'm not feeling hungry all the time. 

So here is another photo taken at 10 months.

 

Missing You

I have been absent here in writing, but not in presence. I have thought of you, my readers, often, wishing I could find the words to tell you all that is going on in my life right now, but I just couldn’t. The pain was too great, and even now, is just bearable. It will come, with time, as everything does. The sun rises each day, even when we don’t want it to.

Shared Thoughts

June 24, 2009

Outside my window...a hot summer evening and grass that needs cutting.

I am thinking...I hope I’m here when this cat goes into labor.

I am thankful for...the quiet that is mine this week.

From the kitchen...cheese, bread and wine (my absolute favorites.)

I am wearing...a long skirt, deep purple…a white tank with a light purple top, no shoes.

I am creating...a copycat necklace out of Garnet Hill.

I am going...to enjoy the evening.

I am reading...back issues of magazines in order to recycle them.

I am hoping...to get the grass mowed this week.

I am hearing...the small gurgling water of the fish tank.

Around the house...sleeping dogs and cats.

One of my favorite things...having cut flowers from my garden on my end tables and bedside tables.

A few plans for the rest of the week: a little sewing, maybe dinner out.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

This journaling idea from The Simple Woman's Daybook

Eight Months = 90lbs

Here I am at work, 90lbs lighter.

This month, I'm opening it up to questions. What do you want to know?

For Pop

I took a quiz on FaceBook the other day. "How OCD are you?" The results: "Very OCD." Lisa told me that I didn't need a quiz to tell me that. And the truth is no, I don't. But as I try each day to let things go and relax and enjoy life more, I realize that I may be losing the battle.

This past weekend I went to my brother's wedding. We were visiting with family and I related a story about how I came home from work one day and after an hour of looking at the sod that was laid in my absence, I had to take it up and do it over. I said "I'm trying to let things go..." and immediately my dad spoke up and said "Hold on to that OCD! It'll save you!" I laughed, because he had such an opposite view of our tendencies.

He related a story about unpacking a box with styrofoam pieces and how he almost lost it when someone broke one of the pieces, knowing that tiny little balls of styrofoam were scattering to the recesses of the living room. He wouldn't be able to sleep until they were all picked up. I smiled knowing exactly how he felt.

Well, today I received a package. Molly and Camille were dying to open it and in a laspe of reason, I let them, while I finished baking blueberry muffins.

This is what I found.

And it spanned several rooms....

So, while I'll spend hours, make that days, cleaning up tiny little styrofoam balls, I did NOT yell at the kids. Instead I laughed at them and smiled, knowingly, trying to accept myself. The self that is OCD. The self that finds joy in seemingly menial tasks. The self that wants to put things before people. The self that forgos sleep for order.

And I will continue to try and create a new self.  One that knows my tendencies are just that, MINE, not others. One that finds harmony living with chaos. And most importantly, one that doesn't turn longing into anger and direct it toward a three year old with a box full of styrofoam.

As I think about Pop, our connection and his philosophy, the smile gets bigger and maybe in the coming days I can come to believe that it is true...it will save me, too.

 

Seven Months = 86lbs.

It’s been seven months and I’m getting later and later posting these monthly updates as you can see. Maybe because I find it harder and harder to put into words all the subtle changes.

1.  The weight loss is slowing down. This is normal. This is expected. But it is terrifying to me. Many people have asked me, “How will your body know when to stop losing. “ I have always answered very confidently, “It just will.” I know you can’t keep losing weight at that pace forever, but the reality of it remains, if I can stop losing weight, then I can gain weight. That terrifies me more than I can say. I am eating so little now and the weight loss has slowed down, what if I continue to eat small amounts and it starts to go back up. What will I do then? This is my heart talking of course. My brain reminds me of the physiology I know, that I must slow down and eventually reach equilibrium. That calories consumed and expended do have an affect on my weight and it is not some magic spell or luck that makes me gain or lose. However, when I step on those scales, it’s the heart that yells louder than the brain. She is so emotional!

2.  Buying a bathing suit is a losing battle no matter how much you weigh. Enough said.

3.  I mourn the loss of my breasts.  The last six pounds have come directly from my breasts. I was an A in college. I grew to a C when I gained weight. I was a D when I got pregnant the first time and I’ve been a D for the past 14 years. I couldn’t tell you what I am now because the way I read it, you measure a cup size by the difference between band measurement and your breast measurement at its fullest and well, since mine are hanging a good four inches south of the band measurement, it’s difficult to say. I really don’t care though, because as long as they make a Victoria Secret push-up bra, then I will be sporting a size “whatever-I-can-get-away-with” without looking freakish. I hope my friends come to my rescue on that one. Don’t be afraid, Holly, to say, “Becki, those boobs are a bit freakish, perhaps you should downsize them a bit.” I will be eternally grateful.

4.  People “see” you more when you weigh less. I spent the last weekend in Atlanta (without children.) Now, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there is a difference between being “seen” with children and without. When you’ve got a cute little toddler in tow, you could be Attila the Hun and people will give you a cursory smile. Without children, you are judged differently. I noticed that when I weighed over 200lbs, people did not see me. They may run into me, and that was easy to do because my butt was taking up half the aisle, but they wouldn’t “look” at me. I’ve even had conversations with people who never looked me in the eye. Fat is a huge insulator in more ways than one. However, now, I’m having to get used to people “seeing” me. They see me in stores, in restaurants, on the sidewalk.  It is a bit unnerving for me because it’s been so long, I really don’t know how to read the attention.  Near the end of my weekend in Atlanta we walked into a Starbuck’s. Nearly everyone in the establishment looked at me, a few intently. I felt as if I were being put on the possible terrorist list. 
“Do I look like a terrorist?” I asked Anna.
“What?” she said.
“Everyone is staring,” I said.
“Probably because of your breasts,” she replied.
“VERY FUNNY!” I screamed!

P.S. If you read this, and I know who you are, certainly you can do a kind deed and leave a comment. PLEASE! (I’m begging now.)

Six Months = 80lbs

Here are some photos of me 80lbs lighter.

This was taken after 13+ hours of work, and I'm still smiling, mainly because Meg was taking the picture. I miss working nights with Meg. Meg says eventually she is going to quit nursing and work at the beach selling frozen lemonade and margaritas. When the going gets tough, we start taking orders.

This was taken by Molly on our way out to run errands. We had to take about 15 shots, which explains my fake smile trying to hide my impatience.

I am still feeling great! I can pretty much eat whatever I want, just in small amounts. I still miss soda, but I cannot drink it. The bubbles are just too much.

I bought a few new clothes for the summer, all size medium. I have to tell you that the color and style choices for medium are much greater than for the 2-3XL sizes, but then that's a whole other rant.

Mainly I remain grateful for my renewed energy, less back pain and for being able to move with much greater ease. My thanks to everyone who has supported me this far in my recovery and for those who have been so kind as to send compliments. It means more than you know.

Nothing in particular

I’m finding it hard to write lately. I guess you’ve figured that out since you guys are still stopping by and surely saying, "What the hell?"

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s just too much stuff rumbling around in my head for me to be able to organize it into a neat, well-written, witty blog entry. So instead, you get this.

Weekend before last, I went to Atlanta with Camille and stayed with Anna. We shopped and shopped. We went to the children’s museum, which Camille loved. We tried to sleep in on a rainy morning, but Camille didn’t cooperate. I went to at least four bead shops, a yarn store, Perimeter Mall, and IKEA. I finally figured out why IKEA can sell you anything. They lay out the store like a video game in which you get completely and utterly sucked in and then subsequently lost and distracted. You find yourself shopping for things and rooms you never even dreamed of because they have trapped you in “Work Rooms” when all you really wanted to shop for was “Kitchen Wares.” But isn’t that the cutest desk organizer you ever seen! And by the time I get to check-out, I’ve got to cough up my first born just to get back to my car.

I liked being in Atlanta. I like big cities with endless food and shopping choices. I like seeing the actual store fronts of the catalogs that litter my coffee table. Perhaps it comes from growing up in a very small town, in a time before the internet, during which time, if you needed something the slightest bit eccentric, you were just SOL! If you know me at all, you know that most of what I desire is totally eccentric, so I spent many years frustrated beyond belief. At least now I can order whatever I want off the net, if I can part with the money for the shipping. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from shopping in person for things, which obviously just do not exist. Anna accuses me of trying to stare into being the object for which I am searching. No, it’s just years of practice in not finding it.

I left Camille with Anna on Sunday, knowing that they would both be home on Tuesday evening. So I drove back Sunday night, all by myself. I went to sleep in the house ALL BY MYSELF. I’m trying to think. I know I haven’t spent a night alone since Camille was born, and so this was the first time in over three years that I have been totally alone. It was creepy…for about five minutes, and then it was calming, very calming. I slept, worked, ate, wrote, created and read without being interrupted. I think that is the thing I miss the most, the ability to focus, to finish a task without being interrupted 60 times a minute. When I started nursing school a few years ago, it was popular to get a prescription for Ritalin or something like it so one could focus and study harder. Being curious and of course wanting to do well in school, I tried it. I couldn’t see the difference. I would listen to my study group go on and on about how much better they could focus and stay on task while taking the Ritalin. I am naturally focused, to a fault. When I get something in my head, it takes on a life of its own. It’s hard for me to put it down, whether it’s an idea, a problem, or a task. I remember many days before children that I would walk into a closet or room in the morning and decide right there and then that this needed cleaning and organizing. Fast forward to 10pm that night and I would still be in my pajamas with boxes for Good Will and the trash and a beautifully organized room, however neglected the rest of the days agenda. But then came kids. Children don’t let you do that. I try. Oh, do I try. But instead, I get two minutes into something and lo and behold someone wants something to eat. Eat? You want food? But I’m about to reorganize the gardening tools and fertilizers in the shed. I’ve just pulled everything out! I can’t stop now! But I do, and if I’m lucky, I may get enough time to throw out a couple of things while putting everything back into the shed, still not organized, but now urgently calling me in the middle of the night or shower, nudging me, reminding me of tasks undone. I’ve been a parent for 12 years and I still don’t like that part of it.

Wednesday, I went to see a friend’s new baby. Very sweet! Really enjoyed holding her and feeling that little baby heat that builds up in your arms. She’s such a gentle soul and I felt she was right at home with her new family. Thanks for that gift. I really needed it.

This past weekend was hard. Work was hard, news from family was hard, being without Anna was hard. Feelings keep surfacing and demanding attention. I try to keep a balancing act. It’s one I haven’t perfected yet, despite years of practice. (I think if one has lessons to learn in each life, I’ve been a slow learner this go ‘round as I find myself saying “years of practice” quite often.) One word that keeps coming to mind is compassion. Compassion for myself, when I feel exposed and judged and dissected.  But on the other side is “fight.” Fighting for what is right, fair and what should be. It did help today to watch the movie Double Jeopardy with Ashley Judd. My favorite quote, “I gotta hand it to ya honey, it's just sheer hate driving you on.”

Hello Kitty!

Hello alarm! (My you’re early!)

Hello Moon!

Hello Nursery!

Hello Holly! (Thank God!)

Hello Baby on oxygen!

Hello other Baby on oxygen!

Hello Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby…and more!

Hello mothers in labor!

Hello doctors making rounds!

Hello vital signs, labs, tests and treatments!

Hello breastfeeding mothers! And those who wish they could!

Hello monitors and things that go beep!

Hello mother of twins!

Hello blue scrubs!

Hello Baby and Baby!

Hello Babies that feed, and those that don’t!

Hello preterm labor potentials!

Hello transport team!

Hello coffee!

Hello more Babies!

Hello aching feet!

But most of all today!

HELLO ONCOMING SHIFT!