Nummies 911

Happy 14th Birthday Cullen

Fourteen years ago, on October 18th, I had my first child.  I entered motherhood with a traumatic birth but a very blissful babyhood. Cullen was a sufficiently difficult toddler and preschooler to teach me patience, which I needed for the next child, yet he was such a charismatic, charming little boy who endeared himself to anyone who met him. He is still quite the social magnet and can carry on a conversation with just about anyone despite age and other differences.  I remember we went to Robby’s wedding last year and he attended the rehearsal dinner with me. We sat at a table where I knew most of the people, but he didn’t. He was so adept at conversation, that everyone at the table was amazed to find out he was only 12 at the time. He still looks and acts older than he is, something people always said about me, but I wasn’t six feet tall at 14.

So in keeping with tradition, I’m posting his birth story. I love you, Cullen. Thank you for being the best son a mother could ever want.

Cullen’s Birth Story

It was a Thursday morning.  I was sitting on the loveseat in the living room struggling with putting on my shoes.  Mother sat next to me in the big chair.  Carl walked in and looked at us both as he crossed the room.   He said, “One of you is smiling and excited and the other isn’t.”  I said, “Well, one of us isn’t being induced today.”  Mother made a comment that she had been there and done that.  I was feeling very ambiguous.
    On the one hand, I had become relieved, if not a little excited when the nurse-midwife scheduled the induction.  After all, she was a midwife and she said that she induced both of her labors and did them without drugs, so it could be done.  And, I had been sick for so long.  This factor is easy to underestimate, but until you have thrown up for nine months (and I was two weeks post due) you cannot possibly understand the need to feel well again.  In fact, I was completely miserable.  Also in my mind was the fact that Carl was scheduled to go TDY the next week and Mother was long overdue at work.  Because I was so intensely ill during the nine months, Mother generously agreed to come early and help me prepare the nursery.  It sounded like a great idea and when she arrived three weeks before the due date, we hurried to complete all our tasks.  But, of course, as the due date came and went, it was painfully obvious that she was running out of time.  Everyday that I didn’t go into labor was one more day she couldn’t stay after the baby was born.  It seemed everyone was staring at me, willing me to have this baby, but still I crept along, no labor pains at all.
    And so there we were, getting ready very early on a Thursday morning to have this baby, no more waiting, no more guessing, no more feeling sicker than I had in my whole life.
    When we arrived at the hospital, the nurses and doctors checked me, admitted me and never once blinked an eye that this woman who was obviously not in labor just showed up to have her baby.  It was all very normal to them.
    After being admitted, having an IV started with Pitocin, and getting settled in my room, once again all eyes were on me.  Do you feel anything yet?
    I can’t really remember exactly when the contractions became noticeable or even when I started to use my relaxation techniques.  I only remember feeling very isolated once I had to concentrate on them.  I didn’t feel connected to anyone.  I felt they were tiptoeing around me.  After a long while in labor, I began to doubt my ability to handle the induced labor.  After all, if I were doing this naturally, I would have emotional signposts to signal my progress and perhaps I could have handled knowing that better.  As it was, I doubted my self, my body, from the very beginning.  When I didn’t dilate as fast as they thought I should, I worried I wouldn’t have enough strength to get through it all.  I started to inquire about pain medications and the midwife was eager to discuss them with me, even though she knew I wanted a natural childbirth.  The only encouraging word was from Carl.  He told me I was doing so great and asked me was I really sure I wanted to get the drugs.  In retrospect, it was one of the most important things he did for me and many times I have wished that I could’ve made him understand more how important not taking the drugs was for me so that he could’ve made a bigger deal out of it and talked me down from that ledge.  As it went though, I told him yes and he dropped it.  I have since told him repeatedly what a difference his comment made to me and how much I appreciated his confidence in me.
    I received the epidural and suddenly labor was gone.  The contractions slowed and we all relaxed.  Once again I was included in the conversation and activity.  We chatted and “caught up” until time passed and the midwife checked me again.  No progress.  9cm and no more.  She confides that the doctor will be in to check me and will probably want to talk about a c-section.  It seemed she was letting me in on a big secret, including me in the group, who was probably standing outside my room asking “Have they told her yet?  Is she prepped yet?”
    The doctor did come in and she did recommend a c-section.  I remained somewhat calm on the surface, after all, someone had let the cat out of the bag and I knew what she was thinking.  I asked to talk it over with Carl alone and we did.  I told Carl I wanted to try another hour, perhaps in a different position and see if I could make any progress.  The doctors agreed and I set into motion a plan to get me vertical.  This was no small task I should say because by this time I had an internal fetal monitor on, a contraction monitor, blood pressure cuff, IV, epidural, and oxygen mask attached.  I looked more like a science experiment than a woman giving birth.  We joked about the “X-Files” baby.
    Anyway, despite all this I managed to get Lisa, Carl and Mom to sit around me as I sat up with my feet hanging off the bed.  This was very uncomfortable for me because my legs were numb, and I’m sure it was no picnic for everyone else, but they never complained and stayed there with me for an hour.  The pressure was immense.  “Dilate! Dilate!”  I kept telling myself.  But how could I communicate with my body who couldn’t communicate with me.  I had shut if off.
    The doctors came in and checked me again and sure enough, there I was, stuck at 9cm.  So close, but I just couldn’t do it.  They started talking again about the c-section and this is about the time I lost it.  It was somewhere around 2am and I had been working a long time.  I was exhausted.
    I guess I should add here that despite all my childbirth education and reading, I was completely unprepared for this.  I was going to have a natural childbirth, and that certainly did not include a cesarean section.  In fact, I skipped all those chapters in the books.  I couldn’t even watch the video they showed at the Bradley classes.  Just the thought of being operated on, of being cut on, while I was awake was enough to make me shiver.  Now, here I was and my nightmare was fast approaching reality and I lost it.  I started sobbing and shaking and I felt completely out of control.  Later, Carl said that he had never seen me so scared in all his life.  I really was.  I was horrified.  Carl moved to my shoulders and held me as tight as he could among the attachments and wires and tried to calm me.  “Breathe,” he said.  “Calm down, breathe.”  It worked for a second or two but soon I was shaking again uncontrollably and it was with great fear that I signed the consent form and entered what I was sure to be hell.
    My next memory is that of the anesthesiologist talking to me about the operation.  “Put me out,” I begged.  I just couldn’t seem to accept the idea of being cut wide open while I was still awake!  “Surely you can put me under,” I begged again.  This gentle man very quietly convinced me that I did not want that because it would be worse on the baby.  Reluctantly I agreed and he promised I would not feel more than tugging.  What he didn’t understand was that was just what I was afraid of.
    It seemed an eternity until the operation started because at that time I withdrew into myself and started chanting and reciting poetry and English stories, Chaucer, anything to remove my mind from the reality of being strapped down, numb, to an operating table while my precious baby is cut out of me.  Carl arrived at the last minute so it seemed.  Once I saw him I felt better but I really never came fully out of my self-induced trance to communicate more with him.  The physical sensation I remember most was what seemed to be a catheter in my bladder that hurt painfully every time someone bumped it, which they were doing constantly.  My Shakespeare sonnets soon turned into a chant of “It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!” to Carl, hoping he would stop them.  The next thing was the sound of Cullen crying and it was then I realized they had cut me open.  They asked Carl if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord and he rushed from my side to cut the cord.  I’m not sure how much this meant to him, but it later struck me as completely absurd.  I mean, here I am lying draped in a hospital operating room, belly cut wide open to deliver the child I could not birth while doctors and nursed lift the baby out of me and they ask Carl to cut the cord.  Well, why not just ask him to stitch me up while he’s down there?
    Carl, or the nurse, I don’t remember which, brought Cullen around and let me see him before they rushed him off to the nursery.  Carl and I had agreed earlier that he would attend the baby at all times and would make sure he wasn’t bottle-fed.  I know Carl was leaving to go with Cullen, but I was sure the bottle-feeding was history, because of course, when would I be available for breastfeeding?
    This left me all alone in the OR, my new family gone.  The anesthesiologist looked down at I’m sure what he thought to be a mad woman by now, and asked me if I wanted something stronger now.  I welcomed the chance to escape and shook my head yes into a deep sleep.  When I started coming to, I was in a different room and I was in pain.  My head wouldn’t seem to clear though and it was hard to let them know I has a new baby that I needed to get back to.  When a nurse asked me to rate the pain and I did, she gave me morphine.  I stayed there a long time.  I felt some of what it must feel like to be mentally insane.  Drugged so high you can’t talk plain and you are sure you are being held against your will.  I begged to go back to my baby.  “Soon,” they kept saying, but hours went by, then a shift change.  I started in on the new staff.  This must’ve been about 7am.  I cry when I think about all the time I missed with Cullen.  In hindsight, I could’ve probably shortened our separation if I hadn’t taken all those drugs, but no one told me at the time.  I didn’t know.
    When I was finally moved to a room in the maternity ward, Carl and Mom were waiting for me.  I guess I should mention that Carl took great pains to get to me in the recovery room to let me know all was okay with Cullen, but I barely remember that.  I was in the room and Carl was pacing and talking about the baby.  When I listened closely, which took considerable effort, I realized that he wanted to go get the baby because the baby had not been fed yet.  I was astonished!  It was now around 8:30 and I was sure some well-meaning nurse had fed my baby a bottle by now.  But Carl assured me no such thing had happened.  He reminded me of our agreement and I told him how in my mind I was sure things were changed because of the cesarean.  Well, he didn’t think so and when Cullen came to me, there was a sign above his head that read “Breast Only” in big red letters.  It had been about four hours since Cullen was born and he was hungry.  When he was handed to me I lifted my gown and he latch on and suckled beautifully.  It healed my soul to be able to breastfeed by baby.  It gave me back my confidence and my sense of motherhood.  This baby needed me after all.  I am eternally grateful to Carl and his efforts on my behalf to make sure Cullen and I could enjoy the wonderful breastfeeding relationship that we still enjoy today.
    Those first few days with Cullen were tough.  I was in a lot of pain and I drifted in and out of clarity because of the medications.  Still, they are beautiful in my mind, as if God sent a real angel to be with me.
    Looking back now, there are so many missing parts to the story, but these are the parts that remain vivid to me almost a year later.  I am proud of myself for enduring all I did.  The joy of my son had filled my days (and nights) and made it all worthwhile.

With Age comes...

This year at the beach, I tried bodysurfing. Now please remember that just being on the beach is a huge step for me. Two years ago I looked like this.

But this year I was at Myrtle Beach and decided to give it a try. Cullen was my teacher. He waded out with me. Let me back up and say that I’m no great swimmer, and my sister, Stacy, who was my personal lifeguard all through childhood, made sure Cullen was looking out for me.  I had no idea how hard it would be just to get out to the point where you actually BEGIN to bodysurf.  I felt I was drowned and winded before I even started. After three or four failed attempts, we were far down the beach and Cullen motioned that we should get out and walk back up to where we started. This is when my epiphany came.

I’m walking down the beach. I’m tan. I’m 130 lbs. I’m carrying a bodyboard. The sun is shining and the breeze is blowing. I should be basking in this scene. But the reality is much different. I couldn’t think about any of that. I was only concerned with putting one foot in front of the other, so I didn’t fall down. I was breathing so hard and I could feel the sides of my vision closing in. My back was about to seize up. My legs were like jello from trying to withstand the blows of wave after wave. After a few paces, Cullen was so far ahead of me that I doubt he could have heard my call for help, even if I had mustered enough breath to actually yell. That’s when I kept saying, one foot after the other...get close enough so that my sister will see me when I collapse. When I got there, Stacy was watching my approach and while Cullen was still facing forward, I feigned a fall as if to say, I’m about to die. She laughed hard.

There were times in my life I would have paid good money to be 130 lbs, tan, on the beach, but now, I’m just hoping to survive. Later when we were both walking with boards, we joked that the young people are looking at us and saying, “What do those two moms think they are doing?” However, we agreed that even though age brings us less stamina, more aches and greater pains, the gift is that we don’t care what other people think.

I wish I had learned that a little earlier in life. I watched Cullen abandon the group several times because we were embarrassing, and while I understand that is just being a teenager, I hope he leaves that with his teen years and emerges with the self-confidence to do what he loves, no matter what other people think.  I spent too many years trying to please others and worrying about what everyone else thought. I still catch myself doing it now, but less and less often.

So here’s a quick video of one my many wipe outs. I hope you laugh hard and remember me the next time you see a mom trying something with her kids. I, personally, am extremely grateful for a “second” chance at life through my surgery and weight loss. I’m grateful that I COULD be active with my kids, instead of watching from the sidelines. So I intend to embarrass them every chance I get. That’s my small payback for all the diapers and sleep lost. Not an even trade, but hey, no one said life was fair.

Oh, and how about this picture!  Britt having the time of his life...me hanging on for dear life.

Birth Philosophy

Charlotte is a stray cat that Molly brought home a few weeks ago. I, of course, do not need another living thing in this house, so I kicked her out at least five or six times, but she always found her way back.

After a couple of weeks of this, I realized she was pregnant. So we became Charlotte’s foster home. The last time I had a pregnant cat I was 8 or 9 years old, so I did some reading.
•    Cats can become pregnant as young as 4-6 months old.
•    Cats can become pregnant as soon as 48 hours after giving birth.
•    Cats are very needy and moody when they are pregnant.
Sound familiar? (By the way, a six-month-old cat is the equivalent of a 10-12 year old human.)

I’ve learned some other things along the way.

Turns out there is an old technique in birthing kittens that if the mother does not lick the kitten to stimulate it to breathe, you can “gently” swing the kitten downward between your legs to force out the fluid and clear the airway. WHAT!?! Seriously, that sounds as barbaric as some of the things we do to women in labor and delivery. Science only gets us so far. Doing things the way they’ve always been done, will get you all the way to crazy.

One information source made the declaration: There are no consistently safe and effective ways of inducing labor in a feline. Amen to that, and ditto for women! If only THAT was printed on every little thing a pregnant woman receives from her clinic, than maybe, just maybe, it would have sunk in by the time she reaches 36 weeks. I’m gleaning a little from the next lesson.

My kids have forgotten everything I’ve ever taught them about birth and babies. Being a childbirth educator, doula and finally nurse, I have always talked plainly and truthfully to my children about sex and birth and breastfeeding. However, this experience has taught me that unless you talk about it everyday, most of what you may have considered “covered” is actually “forgotten.”

Leaving things alone is the best way to get things right. In birth anyway, it has a design that works, if only we would let it. Almost everything I read encouraged the pet owner to NOT interfere with the cat's labor and delivery, but to be there as a "lifeguard" if something goes wrong. And yet, when we as humans have just as good a design on labor and birth, we REFUSE to believe in it. We judge it, question it, doubt it. Are there no wise women left who believe that birth is right, natural and best left alone? Are there no women who want swim with lifeguards? I could go on and on about this one, but I'll leave it for now.

While most sources say that a cat prefers seclusion, Charlotte wanted my attention in labor, so I sat with her, and petted her and tried to support her. But as any good doula knows, you cannot possibly prepare a female for what happens at the moment of birth. Charlotte became wide eyed as her first kitten emerged and she literally tried to climb up my arm. It was a familiar sight, one I’ve seen so many times as young, first time mothers climb to the top of the birthing bed to “get away” from the pain. The next time is better because while it hurts the same, we know what to expect and the panic is not as bad. By the third kitten, Charlotte didn’t even make a sound.

 

The children’s reactions to the kittens just exemplify how very different each child is. Cullen is squeamish and Camille is not. Cullen touched one of the kittens and then felt the umbilical cord. He freaked out and ran to the bathroom to wash his hands. Camille laughed and at 3½ years old, she mocked him with waving hands and laughing, said “I’ve got to wash my hands!” Camille picks up earthworms with her bare hands.

While Molly is imaginative, Camille is rather concrete. Molly is projecting personalities onto the kittens, determining little scenarios and trying to find names that fit.
Camille asks, “Is my kitten sick, or is he OK?”
She says, “I’d like my kitten to be a girl.”

Later, Camille thinks we should sing a song to the kittens.
“Do you know any kitten songs, Mommy?” she asks.
I reply, “No, that would be Molly’s department. Go ask her. I’m sure she can make up a kitten song for you.” And she will.

 

Cullen's Birth Story

This is the account I wrote of Cullen's birth when he was 1. He is now 11 years old.

Just in time

This happened today at Cullen's school.  School Stabbing

Since the kids were born, I've wanted to homeschool them. But there's always been something in the way. Mainly a job and lack of childcare. Molly has been diagnosed with ADD this year and has been having trouble with her school work. Cullen is just plain bored being above average and almost a year older than his classmates due to his late birthday. Earlier this week, I managed to get a weekend night schedule at work and finally decided to homeschool. I figure this gives us six months to really see if the kids adjust well and like it better. Having made that decision and given the holidays, I let them stay out of school today.

Cullen was on the fence about it because the DARE graduation was this morning at school. I asked him "Are you in DARE?" To which he replied, "Yes. Don't you remember? I didn't want to, but you said I had to because you didn't want to look like a bad parent?" "Oh, yes...that rings a bell. I guess we should go."  At a late hour last night he decided he didn't want to go. Now, I'm so thankful, because I would have been at that school during the incident with Camille.

If I had the money, I'd put them in a nice Montessori school, but then I'd also have a maid, cook and errand person...oh wait, that's why I had children. I digress. The point is, anytime I've visited school, the amount of time they waste getting the class as a whole to accomplish something is alarming. Why spend eight hours a day doing what could be done in half that time, or less?

Of course, I could be totally setting myself up for the frustration of a lifetime, but hey, I been through worse. At any rate, I figure I can teach them to do the laundry.

Japanese Frenzy

Fascination with all things Japanese continues for Cullen. He is such a bright young man and could learn the language if I could just find him a class. He recently bought authentic Japanese green tea.  I was surprised to learn that I actually liked it. I'm not much on tea, but this stuff was mild and very good. His skills at swimming are improving and tonight he was flying down the lane in a butterfly stroke. He has great upper body strength. This child is such a swirling frenzy of fight and gentleness.

Halloween

Halloween 2006






















Molly - Geisha Girl




































Rock Lobster

Swim Meet

Both Cullen and Molly had their first swim meet last Saturday.
They had a great time!

Autumnal Equinox

September 23, 2006
This is the autumnal equinox when day and night are equal length.  The days will now get shorter and fall is offically here, if not in temperature, at least in spirit. I don't know why I feel compelled to celebrate this change of season, except that I am so completely INTOLERANT of the heat. SOOOOooooo, we make fall decorations, maple popcorn and sit outside until sunset. This is Camille's first celebration with us and she loved the maple popcorn.

Photos

We had photographs taken today. Nothing spectacular, but they were each themselves.

Pretty as a picture. And while she smiles quite a bit, you are more likely to see her with this expression. As if she is studying quantum physics and wishes you weren't talking baby talk to her.

Only Molly could make Camille smile so big and laugh.  Camille would NOT sit beside Molly but was more than willing to climb on her back and clap.

Cullen had not planned on being in the photo, but jumped in for the last picture.